Convincing yourself he is the one
One of the most frustrating things that I encounter when talking to my friends or work colleagues about their personal lives is the steadfast determination that some of them have to remain in a dead-end relationship.
This is infuriating as a friend because you see the damage that this is inflicting on them and their determination to convince themselves that it is a relationship worth persisting with can be tough.
Tough because you, first and foremost, want to be there for them as a friend. In doing so you want to follow the first rule of friendship: be supportive. However, at the same time, you want to ensure that your friend does not get hurt and this is where these situations can sometimes be tough to deal with.
Let me give you a recent example that will hopefully highlight how this can be a difficult situation to handle as a friend.
I have a Caucasian buddy, let’s call her Jane. She has been seeing a guy, let’s call him Zack, off and on for the past two years. I have witnessed first hand how devastating this relationship has been for her from the moment he started to lose interest within the first year.
I watched as she crumbled. As she cried continuously day-after-day at work. As she moved her possessions out of his home. One of the most heartbreaking things to witness was the car drive from Zack’s home to Jane’s new home. It is about as helpless as I have ever felt as a friend.
Then with complete frustration and confusion, I watched as she re-ignited the friendship with Zack and then, eventually, the relationship with him. This was all done without Zack ever giving a solid reason for why. Jane just welcomed him back with open arms and walked straight back into a relationship that is ultimately destined to fail.
The reasons given don’t add up
Perhaps most frustrating were the reasons she gave herself for doing so:
- I love him
- He just doesn’t know what he is doing
- I have invested to much time in this for it to fail
- I need him to regret breaking up with me
The first one is fair enough. That won’t change but that doesn’t mean that the relationship is worth continuing with. You’ll love again.
The second reason is hardly one worth sticking around with. If he is indecisive now, what will he be like when things actually get serious?
The third reason is totally illogical and bound to get harder. If you only were to stick it out due to time invested then somewhere down the line time invested will be even greater and the pressure to end it, much harder. Instead of looking at it like this, look at the counter-argument. I have invested so much time, therefore, imagine the time I have lost where I could have found another partner.
The final reason is just never going to work. As you re-engage you’ll forget about the spite and start falling in love with all the things that you were first attracted to.
Basically, my point is this. For the benefit of your friends but most importantly for yourself. Don’t lie to yourself, Jane. You are a beautiful, wonderful woman and I guarantee that anyone that is worthy will worship the ground you walk on. Don’t be scared to be alone in the short-term because I guarantee that in the long-term you’ll be much better off.